Hero Clerks: Chaotic Crossover
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: It's Spider-Man and Deadpool in Middleton with fourth wall breaking, senseless violence, cursing, sexual content, death, high school, and even zombies!
1. Prelude to Craziness

**Disclaimer: I do not own Deadpool, Spider-Man, Kim Possible or any characters featured in this story. Marvel and Disney owns both.**

**Highway**

Deadpool and Spider-Man, the former mercenary and superhero turned store clerks, were driving down the highway in the tumbler. After God knows how long of working at the Marvel Quick Stop, the two hero clerks finally got some vacation time. They didn't know who was going to look after the shop while they gone or how long their vacation time was; and in all honesty they didn't care. All they cared about was that they got some time off to make other people's lives hell.

"So where are we going, again?" Spider-Man asked his best friend, who was driving the tumbler.

"Wherever the road may take us," Deadpool answered in a calm matter.

"What the fuck does that mean?" cursed Spider-Man. "We've been driving around for a day and a half and we've never discussed a final destination."

Deadpool sighed. "Spidey, Spidey, Spidey. If I told you where we were going that would ruin the surprise."

"We're not going to Disney World again, are we?" asked Spider-Man. "We're still not allowed there after that whole 'kicking Mickey Mouse in the balls' thing.

"Not exactly," replied Deadpool. "Spidey, you remember when Disney bought Marvel for four billion dollars?"

"Are we going to have that 'Gargoyles' crossover at last?" Spider-Man asked like a hyperactive fan girl.

"Oh no. I am NOT going to relive that moment again," Deadpool cringed.

"Are we going to the Disney Princess' bordello?" Spider-Man continued his childish questioning.

"Whoa, my little horny buddy; first we walk," lectured Deadpool as he drove into his destination: Colorado.

"What are we doing in Colorado?" Spider-Man asked as he looked over the landscapes.

"You'll see," Deadpool replied with an ominous tone in his voice.

**Middleton- Half an hour later**

Deadpool parked the tumbler outside of a seemingly random house and he and Spider-Man got out of the car/tank.

"What are we doing in Middleton? Better yet, why are we at this house?" Spider-Man asked his best friend as they began to walk up to the house they were in front of.

"It's crossover time my friend. Disney has to start using us Marvel characters or else they lose the rights and Marvel keeps the money," the former mercenary explained.

"Really?" Spider-Man raised an eyebrow as he asked his question.

"No, the author of this fanfic just needed a good excuse for us to be here," Deadpool admitted.

"I thought so," Spider-Man said as the two former heroes walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. "But out of all the crossover possibilities, why a 'Kim Possible' crossover?"

"How did you find out?" Deadpool asked, bewildered and slightly disappointed that the surprise had been ruined.

"I read the name on the mail box. Also, it's, uh… one of my guilty pleasures," admitted Spider-Man as he bashfully put his hands behind his back and looked to the ground.

"Dude, I knew there was something going on with you when I heard you jacking it to Shego!" Deadpool teased his best friend.

"Deadpool, shut up!" demanded Spider-Man but Deadpool continued his torture by putting his hands together and moving them up and down in an inappropriate action.

"OH-OH-OH Shego! Yeah, yeah, YE-AH!" Deadpool said in a mock-orgasm voice before clucking like a chicken to drive his point home.

"Why I ought a…" Spider-Man growled but calmed himself down once the door opened and Dr. Anne Possible came out to greet her new guests.

"Can I…" Anne was bewildered by what she was seeing; two grown men in spandex and masks. And one of them was armed to the teeth; as evidenced by Deadpool's habit to carry his swords and guns wherever he went. As weird as it was, she decided it was best to remain calm. "…help you? Better yet, do I know either of you?"

"You do now! I'm Deadpool and this here is my best bud, Spider-Man; and we're your new family!" Deadpool explained before grabbing the nervous redhead into a hug.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Anne questioned as she pushed the mad, former, mercenary off her.

"Didn't you hear? Disney bought Marvel for 4 billion dollars and, technically, that makes us crossover buddies," explained Deadpool, but unfortunately, Mrs. Possible wasn't as fourth wall savvy as he was.

"What?" asked the confused Anne. Now the man in front of her really wasn't making any sense and she was trying to hide that she was losing her patience.

"Oh, yeah; you're not well educated in the fourth wall, are you?" Deadpool pointed out.

"All right, that's it; I'm calling the mental hospital," Anne began to close the door but Deadpool put his foot at the bottom of it.

"Miss, I don't think you understand the severity of this. You see, my friend and I were screwed over by the Super Human Registration Act of 2007, we serve the assholes of the Earth in a convenience store for minimum wage, and this is our first vacation time in a while. Also…" Deadpool took out his pistol and aimed it at the frightened brain surgeon. "…did I mention that I'm so clinically insane that Sigmund Freud would piss his pants if he spent 2 minutes with me?"

Anne rapidly shook her head no.

"Then here's the deal, you will let us stay in your home for as long as we need; if anyone asks, we're your nephews; and if you call the cops- BANG BANG!" Deadpool pretended to fire, startling Anne. She calmed down once she realized that she was still alive. "Feuer Frei."

"Welcome to my house," she squeaked as she moved aside to let her "nephews" in. "The guest rooms are upstairs to the right."

"Thank you," Deadpool bowed in respect and walked to the room.

Before following him along, Spider-Man stood in front of the shaking red-head in a comforting manner.

"Miss Possible, I'd like to apologize for my friend's behavior. He's, uh, a little touched in the head…well actually, I think touched is the wrong word. I think it's more like Thor took his hammer and smashed it into Deadpool's head while he was getting a blowjob from Storm," Spider-Man stammered before taking out his wallet. "Anyway, for your hospitality, I'd like to give you $100 advance."

Spider-Man gave her the money and ran after his best friend. Anne looked at the bill and shrugged her shoulders; maybe having them around wouldn't be so bad.

"Seriously, dude; Feuer Frei?" Spider-Man asked as he and Deadpool walked towards the guest room.

"Meh, you try coming up with a witty pop culture reference while threatening someone," explained Deadpool.

"Eh, I really don't care anymore," responded Spider-Man as they entered into the guest room.

"Hey, check it out!" Deadpool pointed to the bunk beds. "Bunk beds! Hey, I get dibs on top."

"Yes dear," Spider-Man joked. To stretch out his legs after the long trip, Spider-Man jumped up to the ceiling and used his powers to walk upside down. "What do we do now?"

"Well, we still have to get our bags out of the car, man. I'm not spending the whole day in spandex," Deadpool explained.

"What do we do after that?" Spider-Man was desperate to enjoy his vacation.

The two hero clerks stood in silence for a few seconds.

"You wanna get high?" Deadpool broke the silence.

"Yes please!" Spider-Man exclaimed.

**1 Hour Later**

Kim Possible came into her house along with her boyfriend, Ron.

"Mom, I'm home," Kim greeted her mother.

"Hi, honey," Anne hugged her daughter and then her boyfriend. The warm welcome was cut short, however, the sound of a very familiar song.

_What you say about his company  
Is what you say about society  
Catch the mist, catch the myth  
Catch the mystery, catch the drift_

"Mom, what's going on?" Kim asked her mother.

"Uh, it's just that my…" Anne remembered what the psycho in the red and black spandex told her. "…nephews have come to visit for while."

"Since when did your sister have kids, Mrs. Dr. P?" Ron asked.

"She…uh… likes to keep things private," Anne lied.

_The world is, the world is  
Love and life are deep  
Maybe as his skies are wide_

"I guess I should say hi… and tell them to turn down that music," Kim said, making her way to the guest room.

"Wait!" Anne called out, fearing for her daughter's safety. "One of them is, uh, touched in the head."

"He's retarded?" Ron asked bluntly.

Anne put her chin in her hand and began to take in Ron's theory.

"You know? I wouldn't doubt if that was one of his problems," she replied.

"Don't worry, Mom, I'm sure I can handle it," Kim reassured her mother as she and Ron made their way to the guest room.

_Today's Tom Sawyer  
He gets high on you  
In the space he invades  
He gets by on you_

They reached the guest room and Kim opened the door. What she and her boyfriend were met with was a room full of green smoke and more of Rush's "Tom Sawyer".

_Though his mind is not for rent  
To any god or government  
Always hopeful, yet discontent  
He knows changes aren't permanent  
But change is_

"Dude, I was wondering…" the two teens heard a voice within the smoke. "If we're all part of the Disney family, would it be considered incest if I fucked the Little Mermaid?"

"Dude, don't worry. We're only part of a working family; you can fuck whoever you want, you horny little butt hunter," another voice within the smoke commented.

"Good. Now I don't have to feel guilty for jacking off to the Pink Ranger."

"Dude, you're beating your meat to her too?!" Kim and Ron followed the two arguing voices.

"What? She had a nice butt," the first voice argued.

"She looked like she was twelve years old!" Kim and Ron could feel themselves getting closer.

"She was twenty-something at the time!" once Kim and Ron made their journey through the smoke, they finally saw who was having the strange conversation; Spider-Man and Deadpool were sitting down on the floor, in their masks, white t-shirts, and their boxers. And they were sitting in front of a large bong, which helped to describe the green smoke that filled the room.

"Who the fuck are you?" Deadpool demanded.

She just met them and Kim was already starting not to like her new "cousins".

"I'm Kim," she answered but the two former heroes looked up at her blankly. "Your cousin!"

"Cousin?" Spider-Man asked.

Deadpool punched him in the shoulder to remind him of the plot details.

"Oh, right…cousins…crossover…fanfiction… Disney…Marvel…zombies," Spider-Man incoherently revealed every plot detail of the first chapter and probably the rest of the story.

Kim just stared in disbelief at Spider-Man's drug induced behavior.

"O…K," was Kim's only reply before she decided to introduce her boyfriend to her extended family. "This is…"

"RON STOPPABLE!" Ron yelled and jumped in front of Spider-Man. To say he was star struck would be an understatement. "Spider-Man, I'm one of your biggest fans! You're my favorite superhero…"

"Shut the fuck up you needle-dick pussy faggot!" Spider-Man screamed at his, now, shocked fan. He always hated it whenever someone would come up to him and gush over him. "Where's my fucking medicine?!"

Deadpool reached into the bag and pulled out his best friend's "medicine"; a bottle of Jack Daniels. He handed the bottle to the alcohol deprived ex-hero, who broke off the handle with the bed post and began to chug the whiskey down like there was no tomorrow; much to the shock of Ron, who stared wide eyed with his jaw hanging open

"It helps him relieve his pain," Deadpool said about his friend's drinking as he took another puff.

"Don't hog the fucking bong!" cursed Spider-Man as he yanked the bong out of Deadpool's hand and began puffing away. As he was enjoying his Bermuda grass, he shot a look at the two teenage heroes. "What are you doing standing around here for? Get out! We'll see you in the next chapter."

"What…" Kim was really getting confused now. The stuff they were smoking must have really gone to their heads.

"Dinner time; by the time we're done here, we're going to have the serious munchies," Deadpool explained.

Kim and Ron just decided it was best to leave and closed the door on their way out. Somehow, they felt things were going to be getting pretty strange from this point on.

**Deadpool's Note:**

**Deadpool: Hi, it's me, Deadpool. And I'm here to remind you all to read and review! Because if you don't, I'll come over to YOUR house and I will hurt you. Stay tuned for more or else.**


	2. Family Matters

A few hours after enjoying their grass and booze, Spider-Man and Deadpool lied down on the floor and looked up at the ceiling.

"Hey…Spider-Man?" Deadpool spoke up for the first time in about 3 hours; a new record.

"Yeah?" Spider-Man responded in monotone.

"Are we out of our high?" Deadpool asked. Deadpool could never tell when he was sober.

"Yeah…" Spider-Man continued to talk in his drug-induced monotone. "Why?"

"I think I smell meatloaf," Deadpool was right; it was dinner time.

"Let's go!" Spider-Man jumped up and ran towards the kitchen.

"Hey, wait up!" Deadpool ran after his best friend; tripping over himself a time or two.

Downstairs, Mr. Possible was helping his wife with dinner and discussing her visiting "family".

"So, your sister just suddenly has kids in their 20's and they come to visit out of the blue? And they walk around in masks and spandex?" Mr. Possible still found the news of his new family…interesting to say the least.

"Yes, but I don't think we have anything to worry about," Mrs. Possible reassured as she faked a smile that could win an Oscar and walked towards the table with the plates. "Besides, they're nice boys."

As soon as Anne said those words, she and her husband began to hear a struggle coming from the dining room. When they walked in, they saw Spider-Man and Deadpool fighting over who got the head seat.

"Move over, buttfucker! I want the head seat!" Demanded Spider-Man as he continued to push Deadpool off the chair.

"No way, bunghole; I get the head seat!" Deadpool tried to push Spider-Man off but Spider-Man got the upper hand and pushed Deadpool off; all in front of the Possible parents.

"Nice boys?" Mr. Possible asked his wife.

"They paid $100 just to stay," was her only reply.

Kim, her twin brother Jim and Tim, and Ron, came downstairs to join for dinner. As soon as they got down, the twins stared in amazement at the two superheroes sitting at the able.

"Cool!" Jim and Tim said in unison as they stared at Spider-Man and Deadpool.

"Hey, kids," Spider-Man greeted the small boys.

"What are you guys doing here?" Jim asked as every sat down to the table and the food was set down.

"We're your cousins, boys," Deadpool lied for the sake of the fanfiction.

"Really?" the twins asked in unison, again.

"Yeah, whatever," was Spider-Man's only replied.

"This is the most amazing thing to ever happen to us," Jim exclaimed, the irony passing through his head.

"Indeed it is, Jimmy boy…" Deadpool reached into his boxers, took out a pistol, and was about to hand it over to Jim. "Have a gun."

"Deadpool!" Mrs. Possible yelled. "No guns at the table!"

"What? It's not even loaded," Deadpool pointed the gun to the side and pulled the trigger; firing the one bullet that was in the chamber, causing everyone at the table to flinch. "Whoops."

"How did you get that gun here if you're not wearing any pants?" Kim asked Deadpool as he put the gun away.

"Sometimes it takes a lot of lubricant; other times it's hammer space," Deadpool explained, much to everyone's disgust.

Mr. Possible just sighed. "Let's just eat."

While everyone took a normal serving of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and vegetables, Spider-Man and Deadpool each took half of what was left and poured gravy over everything. They then began to devour their food; which was surprising to everyone at the table since they ate with their masks on.

"How can you eat if you're wearing masks?" Kim asked. Deadpool stopped his pigging out for a second to look at her.

"How can you be eighteen and still have the tits of a 12-year-old who just hit puberty?" Deadpool replied, causing Kim to glare at the former mercenary.

"So says the human scab," Kim commented on Deadpool's "skin condition".

Deadpool glared at the teen hero. "So you want to start the insulting already, huh? Well, here's an interesting question; how come in every fanfic I ever read involving you, you're always portrayed as a heartless bitch and your blond fuck buddy is portrayed as a god-like, lady killing, fighting machine with a huge dick?"

After Deadpool uttered that last part, Spider-Man gave Ron a hard punch in the arm.

"Ouch! What was that for?" asked Ron as he rubbed his arm.

"That was for having sex with the Black Cat before I ever could," Spider-Man explained; much to the shock of everyone at the table.

"Dude!" Deadpool exclaimed to his best friend.

"I've been busting my hump for years trying to tap that ass!" Spider-Man whined before remembering something. "Oh yeah. That reminds me."

Spider-Man punched Ron again. "And that was for having sex with Gwen Stacey. First she gives it away to that fucker Norman Osborn and now she gives it away to your needle dick."

Everyone sat in silence at the wake of this strange conversation.

"Considering the insanity you two have displayed today, I'm not going to believe anything you just said," Kim concluded.

"Fair enough," Spider-Man replied.

"Spider-Man, what happened to you?" Ron asked his favorite hero. "This isn't how I expected you to turn out."

"Let me guess; you expected me to live happily ever after with my darling wife, Mary Jane; have a great job; and have a few kids, right?" Spider-Man pointed out the plot details of the typical fan comic. "Well here's reality for you, butthole; I'm divorced, childless, I've been screwed over by the fucking superhuman registration act, I work in a fucking convenience store, and all my money goes to my filthy cunt of an ex wife."

"Do you have to use so many curse words?" Mr. Possible asked his potty mouthed "nephew".

There was a brief silence before Spider-Man responded with "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Mr. Possible just groaned before turning to his wife. "How long are they going to stay here again?"

Mrs. Possible nervously looked over to Deadpool, who only winked at her and pointed a gun finger at her. Hint Hint.

"As long as they need to."

**8 AM the Next Morning**

Kim yawned as she walked towards the garage, ready to work out. As she reached the door, she heard some strange noises coming from inside the garage. Thinking there was an intruder in her house; she readied herself for a fight as she slowly, and quietly, opened the door. What she saw instead was Deadpool, in his full gear, playing around with a pair of nunchucks and making wild noises.

"Deadpool?" Kim called out and he stopped what he was doing.

"Oh, morning, Kim," Deadpool greeted as he put his weapon away.

"What're you doing?" she asked as she walked into the garage.

"Meh. I woke up early, got tired of Spider-Man humping his bed, and couldn't find any stag movies in the basement; so, I decided to work out a bit," Deadpool explained.

"Oh. Well, I was going to do the same…"Kim began but was cut off by Deadpool.

"Not another word, young lady. You need to train your young, yet surprisingly round, butt to save the world and your cousin Deadpool is going to help you!" yelled Deadpool.

"Really?" Kim raised an eyebrow. "You know martial arts?"

"What kind of silly question is that? I don't get these buns of steel by sitting on my butt and watching 'the Golden Girls'," Deadpool turned around and pointed his thumb at his buttocks emphasize his point.

"What styles do you know?" Kim asked as she got into a battle position.

"Oh, I know just about every kind known to mankind," Deadpool said as he stretched. "I could probably even give Chuck Norris a run for his money. Just don't tell Chuck I said that. NOW BEGIN!!!"

Kim didn't have enough time to ready herself as Deadpool performed a roundhouse kick to her side; sending her flying into a wall on the other side of the garage.

"Deadpool, what the…" Kim was cut off by more of Deadpool's mad ramblings.

"Velcome to Deadpool's house of pain! And now, I vill break you, little girly girl!" Deadpool screamed in a foreign accent. He then jumped into the air and came down with the intent of landing on Kim's head. She rolled out of the way just in time. She retaliated by kicking Deadpool in the gut and then the head and jumped up.

Deadpool rubbed his head while growling like a pissed off grizzly bear and unsheathed the swords on his back. "Now your new lesson; if you can dodge a sword, you can dodge a punch."

Deadpool slashed at Kim multiple times; she dodged all of them and kicked him in the balls.

Deadpool moaned in pain and dropped his swords to cover his damaged crotch. "The one day I forgot to wear my cup!"

Deadpool fell to the ground and curled up into a little ball.

"Deadpool, what the hell is your problem?!" Kim asked the downed lunatic.

Deadpool looked up to look at his sparring partner. "Kim, I'm Deadpool; this is to be expected. Also, most fans would have liked it if I won the fight. So be thankful that the author had a change of heart."

"Whatever," Kim began to walk out but Deadpool grabbed her ankle.

"Kimmie, you mind not telling your parents about this?" Deadpool pleaded.

"I'll let you off the hook only because of your condition," Kim sighed.

"Good. I'll see you later," Deadpool replied before passing out.

**Later that Day**

Spider-Man walked outside to get some air. He saw Jim and Tim tinkering with something on the other side of the yard and he decided to see what they were making.

"Hey boys, what are you making," Spider-Man asked the boy geniuses.

"We're making a rocket," Jim answered.

"A rocket, eh?" Spider-Man looked over the rocket. It seemed to be a small rocket that looked like a model; the only difference was that its launch button was attached to a 2 foot cord.

"You know something boys, if you pick up the stand and hoist it over your shoulder…" Spider-Man did just as he said. "Then you got yourself a rocket launcher."

"Really?" they couldn't believe that they just created an actual weapon.

"Of course. Now, let's test it out. This thing fueled up?" Spider-Man asked the twins who responded with a nod. "Good."

Spider-Man licked his thumb and pointed it in the air to see where the winds were heading. "Okay…she lives in the west…the winds are on my side today…and…FIRE IN THE HOLE, BITCH!"

Spider-Man pushed the button and fired the rocket to an unknown location. A very far, unknown location considering there was no explosion.

"You didn't hit anything," commented Jim.

Spider-Man just laughed, knelt down behind the twins and wrapped his arms around their shoulders. "Didn't I, boys?"

**Hollywood, California**

Mary Jane Watson stood outside a Hollywood apartment building, covered in ash next to a burning pile of metal that was once her car; her only memory being that she was about to enter her car before it got hit by some kind of projectile.

"HA-HA!" Venom yelled from his apartment window above.

**Back in Middleton; a Few Hours Later**

It was night time and the Hero Clerks couldn't sleep. So, they did the only thing they could think of; play "Rock Band". The family upstairs wouldn't have minded so much if Deadpool wasn't singing Lady GaGa.

_I want your loving  
And I want your revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance  
I want your loving  
All your love is revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance_

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance

Spider-Man stopped his drum playing to look at his watch. "Dude! Dude, pause! We gotta watch E! News."

Deadpool paused the game to look at his best friend. "Why?"

"You'll see," was Spider-Man's only reply.

Deadpool changed the channel to the E! "Entertainment" Network (I use that word loosely).

"Tonight; actress Mary Jane Watson's car was destroyed today by some kind of rocket. Followed by whatever Kim Kardashian's doing today," reported the homo-in denial, Ryan Seacrest.

"Spidey, did you…?" Deadpool asked.

Spider-Man just smiled beneath his mask and gave Deadpool his fist and the two friends fist tab.

"Excuse me," Kim called from up the stairs. "Um, yeah, I have to get up early for school tomorrow, so can you two keep it down…or at least let Spider-Man sing?"

Spider-Man and Deadpool look at each other before Deadpool turned the TV back to the Rock Band screen and sang louder than ever.

_Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ah!  
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!  
Want your bad romance_

Kim just rolled her eyes and decided to make the best of the night.

**The Next Morning**

Spider-Man and Deadpool walked down into the kitchen, fully refreshed; a sharp contrast to the entire Possible family who had bloodshot eyes.

"How'd everyone sleep last night?" Spider-Man asked as he and his best friend sat down at the kitchen table.

"We would've slept a lot better if somebody hadn't spent all night playing 'Poker Face'!" Kim glared at Deadpool.

"Oh, come on! It could've been a lot worse. I could've spent all night playing 'Barbie Girl' and I would too," Deadpool defended.

Suddenly, the 90's Spider-Man theme song started blaring and Spider-Man picked up his cell-phone to see who was calling. "Excuse me; I have to go out and take this call."

Spider-Man walked out the kitchen door to the backyard and answered his phone.

"Oh boy! He's going to talk to his ex-wife!" Deadpool squealed like a little girl as he served himself some cereal and looked out the window.

"What's so interesting about that?" Mr. Possible asked his nutty "nephew".

"Shhh!" Deadpool demanded as the spectacle began.

"Hey, MJ, how's my favorite ex-wife…" Spider-Man asked; the sarcasm barely noticeable. "Yeah, car got destroyed by some kind of rocket, yeah, sad. He-he…oh, no, I wasn't laughing at you… wait, slow down, why are you calling me? Mary Jane, I paid your god damn alimony last month; it was my entire paycheck… you don't think I know that was barely enough. You sure you didn't get enough payment by taking away my dignity… Mary Jane, your car isn't my fucking problem and besides, it was my car before you took it in the divorce and you took my name off the insurance… Mary Jane I'm not going to pay more alimony just so you can get another car! I'm on vacation! Besides, shouldn't your job of sucking Steven Spielberg's cock pay for at least 3 new cars… Oh so you want to bring your lawyer into this, huh? Threaten me with a lawsuit, huh?"

"Oh, boy, this is where it gets good!" Deadpool jumped up and down lightly at what was to come.

"BITCH! YOU FUCKING THREATEN ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER THERE AND BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU! I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING THROAT OPEN! I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN WITH A BRICK! YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!" Spider-Man yelled at his ex before hanging up.

Kim opened the door. "Spider-Man, there are kids present!"

Kim pointed to a group of elementary school kids waiting for their bus; staring at the former hero who just made a death threat to his ex-wife.

"Oh, there are kids present," Spider-Man mocked before turning to Kim. "Bitch, please! That 12-year-old in the pigtails has probably sucked more cock then your mother has!"

"What did you say?!" Anne yelled from inside the kitchen.

"He said 'That 12-year-old in the pigtails has probably sucked more cock then your mother has'. That's you, Auntie Anne," Deadpool explained.

Anne just growled in frustration. "Forget it, I'm going to work."

"Me too," Mr. Possible followed his wife outside.

"I'm going to school," Kim responded and her brothers followed her out.

Spider-Man walked back inside the house to join Deadpool. "Well, looks like we have the house to ourselves. What should we do?"

"ABC's showing 'Power Rangers: Turbo'. Wanna watch?" Deadpool optioned.

"I hated that series," Spider-Man responded.

The friends pondered for a little while.

"We could go through the girls' underwear drawers," Deadpool optioned again.

"Nah. I've seen enough thongs and multi-colored dildos at the X-Men's mansion," Spider-Man responded.

The friends pondered a little bit more.

"Where did Kim say she was going, again?" asked Deadpool.

"To school," answered Spider-Man.

"You wanna go there?" Deadpool propositioned.

"Okay," the two friends walked outside and got inside the tumbler to set out and cause a little chaos.

**Next Chapter: Fast Times at Middleton High**


	3. Fast Times at Middleton High

**Middleton High School: 8:00am**

It was such a normal Monday at Middleton High that as the students walked in, they failed to notice the black tank parked across the street; or the two costumed individuals sitting on top of it.

"High school," Spider-Man sighed with nostalgia.

"Yeah…you wanna go inside? Cause a little mayhem?" Deadpool asked his best friend.

"Do I have to be the nerd?" Spider-Man asked, hoping to avert his usual role.

"Do I have to be the jock?" Deadpool asked rhetorically.

"No," Spider-Man replied.

"There's your answer," Deadpool jumped off the top of the tumbler.

"Uh, dude. Aren't you forgetting something?" Spider-Man pointed at the guns and swords Deadpool had surrounding himself.

Deadpool groaned as he removed his weapons. "Damn high schools. No respect for the second amendment. Thanks a lot, Columbine."

Once Deadpool, reluctantly, put all his guns into the car, he and Spider-Man put on their disguises. Deadpool wore a baseball cap and leather jacket while Spider-Man wore a snow cap and a sports jacket.

"Let's go," Spider-Man insisted and the two friends walked into the school. Before they walked in, Deadpool saw something that caught his attention.

"Hey, check it out," Deadpool pointed at a poster that showed Mike Huckabee standing in a Superman pose in front of the American Flag.

"Huckabee's running for president, again?" Spider-Man looked closer at the poster. "In 2010?!"

"He really thinks they're going to impeach Obama?" Deadpool asked his best friend.

"What is he now; a secret Jew?" Spider-Man rolled his eyes.

"I don't know man; but if he is, more power to him. I've always wanted a black, Jewish president. I'm getting tired of the usual 'white, Christian' stuff," Deadpool explained as they walked into the high school; ignoring the glances they got.

"What do we do now?" Spider-Man asked; wondering what to do in a high school.

"What class does Kim have for first period?" was Deadpool's only reply.

**History**

Kim sighed as she sat down in history class; happy just to be away from her extended family.

"Hey, Kim. How's it going?" Monique, one of Kim's friends, asked as she sat beside her.

"My cousins' have just come to visit," Kim admitted.

"So? You've never had a problem with you cousins' coming over before," Monique pointed out.

"Yeah, but these are cousins that I've never met before. They came in suddenly and things have been nuts. Both of them won't shut up, spend the whole day smoking pot and playing 'Band Hero' to the highest volume level, and one of them is a psycho who knows kung fu and carries weapons everywhere," Kim explained about her extended family.

"That bad, huh?" Monique asked.

"That's barely scratching the surface. They both spend their days in spandex and masks that I sometimes think that they're not really my cousins but escaped mental patients. Either that or they're actually ex-heroes," Kim explained before their history teacher, a middle aged brunette, came into the room.

"Okay, class, take your seats. Today, we'll…" the teacher was interrupted by a knock on the door; and through the glass on the door, the students saw the faces of Spider-Man and Deadpool.

"RETARD CLASS!!!" Spider-Man and Deadpool yelled as they put a piece of paper with the exact words that they said on the glass.

"What?! Come back here you two!" the history teacher demanded as she ran to the door but Deadpool used his teleportation device to transport himself and Spider-Man to another area of the school; much to the shock and awe of everyone in the class.

"Were those your cousins?" Monique asked and all the students in the classroom looked at Kim; who could only put her face in her hands and shake her head in shame.

**Later at the Library**

Spider-Man and Deadpool decided to glance through the books; and all they found were a bunch of "Twilight" books and "National Geographic's" without any naked foreign ladies.

"How many fucking copies of the 'Twilight' series do these people have in their library?" asked Spider-Man.

"A better question would be why girls cream themselves over this Edward queer," responded Deadpool before closing up "New Moon". "But not to worry, little buddy; these books do have a purpose. They're great for practicing martial arts!"

Deadpool threw the book in the air and kicked it across the room.

"Two points!" exclaimed Deadpool.

"'Twilight'- eat shit and die!" Spider-Man punched the book away.

"'Eclipse'-prepare to be terminated!" Deadpool brought his head down and split the annoying, published vampire fanfiction in half.

"To hell with 'Breaking Dawn'!" Spider-Man ripped every page out of the book and threw them up into the air.

"What the hell is going on here?!" the old librarian asked the two former superheroes.

"We're destroying a bunch of crappy book," answered Spider-Man.

"Can we take the rest of them and have a book burning?" Deadpool asked.

"Get out of my library and head straight to the Principal's office. NOW!" the librarian demanded.

"Certainly, you old hag," Spider-Man responded before he and Deadpool walked out.

"Dumbass!" Deadpool muttered as he and Spider-Man walked down the hallway; and obviously not to the Principal's office.

"What do we do now?" as soon as Spider-Man asked this, the school announcements suddenly came on.

"Attention all seniors. Report to the auditorium for a special presentation," the announcer reported to the school.

"Bingo!" whispered Deadpool; a rare event considering his habits.

**Auditorium**

Steve Barkin, the most well know teacher in Middleton High, stood on the auditorium stage to address all the students. Prom Night was around the corner and as usual, he had to make sure the students stayed sober on that night.

"Seniors; today's assembly is about the dangers of drugs and alcohol during prom night…" Mr. Barkin began but was cut off by, quite possibly, the voice of evil itself.

"Up yours, Barkin!" Deadpool yelled as he and Spider-Man walked in from the back of the stage; much to the embarrassment of Kim and the joy of the students who cheered them on.

"DRUGS RULE!" Spider-Man yelled as he threw his hands in the air and made devil horns while Deadpool did the roof raising.

"Marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol!" Deadpool sang.

Mr. Barkin growled at the two unknown students as he stomped over to them and grabbed them by the collar of their jackets.

"Get off my stage!" he demanded as he threw the two, masked, jackasses off; they landed face first into a pair of chairs right next to Kim and Ron.

"Are you two trying to make my life a living hell?" she growled.

"Only a little," Deadpool admitted as he and his best friend got up and rubbed their heads.

"Okay, maggots; thanks to the two dumbasses in spandex, I'm going to skip the introduction and get straight on to the movie," Mr. Barkin barked out before looking at the projection booth. "Get started, nerd!"

"Please tell me you two will stay still during the…" Kim turned to look at her cousins, but it seemed as if they had disappeared. "Oh no."

Inside the projection booth, the projectionist was webbed up to the wall; courtesy of your ex-friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

"Just a minute, Sir," Spider-Man called out from inside the booth while pretending to be the nerdy projectionist. "There's a problem with the film reel."

"Yeah, there's no nudity," snickered Deadpool as he pulled a second reel out his jacket. "Hey, Spidey; why don't you explain how these things work while I set everything up."

"Certainly…" Spider-Man said as Deadpool sat down and began to open up both film reels and cutting up some "special" frames and pasting them together.

Spider-Man turned around to look at "you"-and I do mean "you", the reader. "See, kids, a movie doesn't come in one big reel. It comes in several. So someone has to be around has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen."

Deadpool pointed at one of these little dots on the upper right-hand corner of the screen. Which was odd considering this is a written fanfiction and not a movie. "In the industry, we call those cigarette burns."

Deadpool got up and walked over to the projector while Spider-Man continued his lecture.

"That's the cue for a changeover. My buddy, Deadpool here, flips the projector, movie starts or keeps on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea," as Spider-Man explained this, Deadpool followed word-for-word.

"Why would anyone want this shitty job?" Deadpool asked "you".

"Because it affords us other interesting opportunities," Spider-Man winked.

"Like splicing single frames of pornography into educational films," Deadpool laughed as he started the projector.

"So when the survivor of the drunken accident on prom night opens up the movie with the tale of how he killed his friends with his own stupidity, that's when you'll catch Deadpool's contribution to the film," while the audience watches the film, the special surprise flashes for a split second.

"Nobody knows that they saw, but they did…" Spider-Man began before he and Deadpool looked at each other.

"A nice, fat, juicy pair of titties!" the friends say in unison before high fiving and watching for more of Deadpool's contribution to the educational film industry.

While the film was playing, more pornography flashed every now and then for a split second. Some students looked rattled, some had their mouths hung open, some cried, and one or two went off to the back to jerk off.

"Why'd you add that frame of the Paris Hilton sex tape?" Spider-Man asked his best friend while watching the film.

"To show kids the dark side of pornography," Deadpool said with a solemn tone to his voice. Spider-Man just gave him a soft pat on the pack to ease his pain.

When the movie was done, Mr. Barkin walked up to the stage; the shock ever evident on his face. "Yes…well… yeah. Anyways, we have a special message today. The leader of our school choir has just one a scholarship to Upperton's School of the Arts. Please rise for Carrie King who will now sing the National Anthem."

Once the red head came up to the stage with a microphone in her hand, the projectionist inside the webbing finally spoke up. "You have to put in the CD for her performance."

"How the hell did you get your head out?!" Deadpool glared at the projectionist.

"He probably ate through the webbing. His bowels will pay for it later," Spider-Man explained. "Also…CD?"

The nerd looked over to a CD that said "Carrie's Performance". Spider-Man opened up the case and inside was a CD with Whitney Houston's performance of the National Anthem.

The two friends looked at each other and smiled.

"You got the new Rob Zombie CD?" Deadpool asked.

Spider-Man took "Hellbilly Deluxe 2" out of his jacket. "Let's play Milli Vanilli!"

Carrie looked up to the projection booth to see her signal to begin. Once she saw thumbs up from the projection booth, she opened her mouth to start singing. But instead of the angelic voice of Whitney Houston, they got something… a little different.

_Mechanized head and a God Named Zed  
I Keep telling you it's alright  
A Parallax view that you can't unscrew  
When it all just get's so tight_

Rock Mother Fucker  
Rock the Mother Fucker  
Rock Mother Fucker Yeah

_Rock Mother Fucker  
Rock the Mother Fucker  
Rock Mother Fucker Yeah_

All the students stared at Carrie with slacked jaws, finally discovering her secret. All she could do was sit down, pull her knees to her chest, and rock back and forth as her sanity, and career, began to fade away.

_Chew it up, Spit it Out  
Sick Bubblegum  
Blow it up, Spit it out  
Sick Bubblegum_

_Turn it up, Push it Down  
Sick Bubblegum  
Shove it in, Rip it Up  
Sick Bubblegum_

Mr. Barkin looked at the projection booth and growled like a wild beast once he saw the two spandex hellions from earlier head-banging. He ran over to the booth with the intent to kill.

"YOU!!!" Mr. Barkin kicked the door in.

Spider-Man and Deadpool turned around and put their arms around each others shoulders.

"Fuck you!" Spider-Man flipped the teacher off before Deadpool used his teleporter to make them disappear; much to Barkin's amazement.

**Outside: A Few Minutes before the End of the School Day.**

Spider-Man and Deadpool stood outside the school, smoking cigarettes and whistling at girls. Provided they were 18, of course.

"Hey there, barely legal! Ever been with an older man?" Deadpool hollered at a blonde who ignored him.

"Hey baby," Spider-Man whistled at a brunette. "Want to get drunk and watch 'Showgirls'? Naked?"

The young brunette slapped the older hero, knocking away his cigarette, and walked away.

"Fuck! That was my last smoke," Spider-Man sighed. "Oh well. Hey, Deadpool. You want to know what I love about high school girls?"

"What?" Deadpool took a long drag of his cigarette.

"I keep getting older; they stay the same age!" the two friends fist tab. "What do we do now? There's only thirty minutes of class left."

Deadpool just laughed at his friend as he threw away his cigarette. "Yes, Spidey, we're in high school. But here's a better question; have you ever seen 'Porky's'?"

"You don't mean…"

"Wherever there's a hollow wall, there are peepholes to the girls shower. Come on, knock on the wall to see which one's thinner than Lindsay Lohan when she's sober," Deadpool began to knock on the wall alongside Spider-Man.

"You sure we'll find…" Spider-Man knocked on an area of the wall and received an echo. The friends moved the bushes away and found a hole in the wall large enough for a man to fit through. "Thank God for horny kids!"

The friends go inside only to find the pathway blocked by cement.

"God fucking damn it!" Spider-Man, now with massive blue balls, cursed.

"Thanks a lot, Author!" Deadpool said as he and Spider-Man walked away. (**A/N: Sorry, Deadpool but I have to move things along**).

**Bueno Nacho after School.**

Kim was hoping to get away from her new cousins and have a nice day at her favorite fast food restaurant with her boyfriend. But no, they even followed her here after humiliating her at her own school. And they weren't wearing their disguises to boot; which meant Deadpool had his swords, guns, and grenades strapped to his body.

"Why do you have to follow me around and destroy everything you touch?" Kim begged to know.

Spider-Man slapped the teen hero's back. "Oh, we'll be destroying a lot of things. Just wait till Christmas."

Deadpool looked over the menu before pulling Ron next to him. "Hey, little dick, why don't you tell me what's good on the menu and I'll reconsider putting a grenade up your butt."

Ron shuddered at Deadpool's threat. "W-W-Well, the naco's an excellent delicacy…"

"Your usefulness has ended. Now shut the fuck up," Deadpool pushed Ron away. "All right, give me and my friend here two naco's and two large mountain dews."

"Two naco's and two large mountain dews; they're for some guys in spandex," the greasy faced, stoner spoke into the mike.

"What the fuck does that mean? Are you going to spit in it now?" Spider-Man glared at the teen.

"No…" the stoner went back to his mike. "Don't spit in the psychos' food."

After Kim and Ron made their orders, all four of them went over to the table.

Spider-Man and Deadpool grabbed their naco's and took a bite; only to start spitting it out after experiencing the overload of fake cheese, trans fat, grease, and stale tortilla chips.

"Oh my God, it's horrible!" Spider-Man gagged.

"Jesus, it's like Rush Limbaugh took a dump in my mouth!" Deadpool bent his head back and downed his soda to get rid of the awful taste.

"How the fuck can you eat this fucking shit, you fucking fuckers?" asked Spider-Man.

"Spider-Man, there are kids here- again!" Kim warned her cousin.

"Fuck them! They're going to be shooting fire out of their assholes in the next few hours! A few curse words are the least of their worries!" Once Spider-Man said this, many kids put down their food while others continued to devour it, thinking that the idea of shooting fire out of their rectums pretty cool.

"How can you not enjoy the naco?" Ron couldn't believe what he just said.

"The fact that it tastes like Kim Kardashian's vagina! Poisonous!" answered Spider-Man.

"Look, I can probably look past the awful taste; but I have one question. Does this look like spit to you?" Deadpool held up the naco to Kim's face.

Kim looked over the fake Mexican food and did indeed see a wet spot. "Yeah, I think so."

Spider-Man and Deadpool ran over to the clerk that just served them.

"Fucking taco punk!" Spider-Man jumped over the counter and tackled the clerk to the ground.

Deadpool followed suit and began to kick the downed clerk. "Spit in our food, will you?"

Everyone just sat by and watched as the two costumed customers beat up on the down clerk.

Before Kim could stop her family from beating up on the poor soul, a familiar beep came out of her pocket.

"What's the sitch, Wade?" Kim asked the usual question to her young informant through her "Kimmunicator".

"Kim, Drakken just stole a rare animal from a New Zealand testing lab," Wade informed.

"Please tell me that our ride will get here soon and get me far away from my new family as possible," Kim pleaded.

"New family?" Kim pointed her device towards Spider-Man and Deadpool, who were now standing over the broken clerk in the fetal position.

"Now you better not spit in our food again, you fucking meth addict!" Spider-Man threatened.

"Because if we ever decide to come back here and we find spit; I'm going to cut off your nuts and shove up your nostrils!" Deadpool took out one of his Sais to drive his point home.

"You're related to a former mercenary and a disgraced ex-superhero?" Wade quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Well… your ride will be at your house in about half an hour," Wade promised.

"Thanks, Wade," Kim thanked her friend before hanging up.

"Hey, little lady. What's going on?" Deadpool and Spider-man walked back to the table.

"Um, something's came up. Me and Ron have to get going," she lied.

"Well before you leave, riddle me this. Who's that young lady over there?" Deadpool pointed at a brunette with tanned skin.

"Her? She's Bonnie Rockwaller. She's a bit of a pain, so I wouldn't recommend trying to make friends with her," Kim advised.

"Friends? I just want to know if she gives blowjobs in alleyways!" said Deadpool.

Kim just shrugged her shoulders. "Why don't you ask?"

Deadpool casually walked over to Bonnie's table and kneeled over it.

"Hey, baby."

"Get away from me, you freak!" Bonnie tried to push Deadpool away but he wouldn't budge.

"Now let's not get too hasty, babe. I just wanted to know if you'd like to polish my gun?" Deadpool prepositioned.

"What?"

"You know, polish my gun," Deadpool took out his silver pistol, which caused everyone in the restaurant to duck.

"You know, wipe it down, and give it a little spit shine…" Deadpool spat on his gun and wiped it. "And make sure it doesn't fire off too early."

The gun did fire and the bullet hit the clerk that Deadpool had just beat up, in the shoulder.

"It was the Goth kid in the trench coat!" Deadpool threw the gun away and ran out of the restaurant with Spider-Man next to him.

**Later**

Kim Possible sighed as she sat down in the Black Hawk helicopter taking her, and Ron, to their mission.

"Thank God that's over with," Kim smiled.

"What?" Ron asked.

"I'm finally away from those two mental patients that I call my cousins."

"Yeah, I guess your right," Ron conceded. "So what do we do to kill time? Is there a movie on this flight?"

"No and I doubt you're going to join the mile high club," Kim and Ron cringed at what sounded like Tom Cruise's voice scraped with a cheese grater.

They turned around and Kim's fear came true; Spider-Man and Deadpool were sitting in the back seat.

"How did you get in here?" Kim squeaked.

Deadpool grabbed his belt with his symbol on it. "Teleportation device, my bubble butted cousin. Never leave home without it."

Kim shook her head like a mad epileptic as sweat began to pour down her head.

"No…no…no…"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Spider-Man mocked.

Outside the helicopter, many people could hear a female wale of…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

**Next Chapter: Death and a Rat Monkey**

**Spider-Man's note: He should've let us see inside the girls shower room. He could've written down that the girls in there were 18. All that barely legal pussy gone to waste.**

**Deadpool's Note: You may want to leave Spider-Man alone for a while. He's always cranky when he has blue balls.**

**Spider-Man's Note: FUCK YOU!**

**Deadpool's Note: Anyways, the author of this fic owns nothing and the song used in this chapter was Rob Zombie's "Sick Bubblegum". **


	4. Airplane Dizzy

Kim Possible was having the worst day of her life in what was probably the worst week of her life. First, her insane, spandex-clad cousins snuck into her high school, humiliated her in her history class, ruined the school presentation, and caused mayhem at the Bueno Nacho. And now, they snuck into the plane that was flying towards her mission; and there was no place for them to land so they were tagging along whether she wanted to or not.

"Why? Why did you have to follow me now?" Kim asked Spider-Man and Deadpool.

Spider-Man shrugged his shoulders. "There was no porn in your house, there wasn't anything good on TV and well, in general we were bored and there was nothing to do but do what you're doing and pretend to be superheroes… again."

"Plus, your Mom found us playing with her underwear and having a race with her vibrators so we had to high tail it before she found the whip she uses to smack your Dad when they want to 'spice things up'," Deadpool laughed much to the confusion, and disgust, of Kim and Ron.

"But, but why?" Kim asked. "You two aren't allowed to do any superhero duties since you lost that right after the Civil War in 2007."

Spider-Man just laughed menacingly. "Which is why you're going to keep your mouth shut, unless you want 'somebody' to go over to SHIELD headquarters and tell them how a certain red-haired, boobless teenager and her humanoid dildo are going around fighting half-assed super villains."

Kim just stared at her arachnid powered relative. "What kind of threat is that? Me and Ron both registered as heroes last year."

They both flashed their SHEILD IDs at the stunned, costumed duo.

"Also, what is it with you two and the constant sexual references?" Ron asked.

"Put a cock in your mouth, asshole!" Spider-Man demanded.

"And why does it usually relate to the _male_ anatomy?" Ron continued.

"Seriously, kid; shut the fuck up. Hey, that's funny; I'm usually the one being told to shut up and yet it's me telling someone else to shut up. But anyway…" Deadpool removed his pistol from his holster and aimed it at the two teens. "I'm not afraid to shoot anyone for annoying me or for no particular reason because I'm a heroic sociopath with little regard for human life. So, if you try to tell anyone of our unregistered activity, the headlines will say 'Kim Possible found dead and naked in the ocean along with her fully clothed lover/sidekick'. Though I don't think it'll be on the front page because the tabloids will be too occupied on Heidi Montag's 6th boob job or how much more pudding is in Kim Kardashian's left butt cheek."

Everyone was staring at Deadpool after his meaningless ramble. Except for Spider-Man who had become used to Deadpool going on about nothing and would sometimes join him.

"What…the heck are you just talking about?" Kim asked.

"He means that if you don't keep your piehole shut, you die," Spider-Man translated Deadpool's threat.

"Fair enough!" Kim and Ron quickly turned around, looking away from the two maniacs.

"What do we do now?" Ron asked, worried about what might happen to them with Deadpool and an uncaring Spider-Man by him and his girlfriend's side.

"Well, we could probably use their help...provided they don't kill anyone," Kim tried to make the best of the situation.

"I'm scared," Ron admitted.

"Me too," Kim agreed.

Suddenly Rufus, Ron's pet naked mole rat, popped out of his master's pocket. "Scared of what?"

"Rodent! Filth! Disease! Kill it!" Deadpool yelled and pointed at the naked mole rat; providing an answer to Rufus' question.

"Huh?" Rufus, Ron, and Kim asked in unison and were answered by Deadpool throwing one of his Sais at the naked mole rat; just barely missing his head.

Deadpool jumped out of his seat, unsheathed his sword, and ran towards Rufus for the kill. Rufus screamed and jumped out of Ron's pocket before Deadpool could make the first slice and crawled up to the roof.

"Oh no, you filthy rodent! You're not getting away that easily," Deadpool promised before slicing at the roof to get at the scared naked mole rat.

"Deadpool what are you doing?" Kim screamed as she got out of her seat.

"We must stop this animal from spreading his deadly herpes!" Deadpool yelled before continuing his mad attack on the helpless pet before cornering him.

"Prepare to be terminated, little rodent!" Deadpool hissed in a mock Austrian accent.

Deadpool raised both his katanas over his head while Rufus was shaking and sweating wondering what the fuck was going on.

"Can't believe I have to do this a second time," Kim muttered to herself before kicking Deadpool in the groin for the second time; only this time it had no effect.

"I came prepared this time, little lady," Deadpool laughed as he patted his crotch to prove that he remembered to wear his cup this time. "And you know something; I just changed my mind about killing this little pink dildo down here. Instead, I think I'll take my frustrations with life on some henchmen when we reach Peter Jackson's home country."

Deadpool put his swords back in his sheath and knelt down to pet Rufus. "But make no mistake, you little wiener; I will kill you. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next time I come to visit."

Rufus ran back into Ron's pocket as Deadpool walked back to his seat.

"Hey, Blondie," Spider-Man called out to Ron. "If Rufus is your pet, why didn't you try to help him when Deadpool was trying to cut him into little pieces?"

"He's a psychotic mercenary covered in swords, guns, knives, and grenades! Doesn't get any more obvious than that," Ron pointed out.

"Guess he's not the hero here, huh?" Spider-Man whispered to his best friend.

"Yeah, he's actually smart," Deadpool snickered.

**45 Minutes Later**

The first 45 minutes of the trip was pretty quiet; and of course the two former heroes in the back had to ruin it.

Deadpool made little tracking noises as he lifted his gun and aimed it towards the back of Kim's head. As soon as she turned around to find the source of the noise, Deadpool instantly stopped and hid his gun as if nothing had happened.

As soon as Kim turned around, Deadpool repeated the process and made the tracking noises louder. When Kim turned around again, Deadpool made a small bang noise and laughed at Kim's flinching.

"Put that gun away!" Kim demanded.

"Fine," Deadpool complied as he put his weapon away.

"Hey Kim, I have a quick question," Spider-Man asked as he got off his seat.

"Fine! It's a step in the right direction, I guess," Kim replied.

"It's about when we get to New Zealand…" Spider-Man began once he was standing next to his "cousin" and her boyfriend.

"Yes?" Kim's interest was peaked.

"You think Shego will suck my cock if I ask nicely?" Kim's eyes widened at Spider-Man's question while Deadpool erupted with laughter at the fact that his best friend actually asked that question.

"W-What kind of sick question is that?" Kim asked; her face beat red.

"Well, from what I heard she'll either fuck anybody, is a full blown lesbian, or she goes both ways. And I'm not going to lie; I've been masturbating to her ever since I got divorced. That fantasy with Shego, Ms. Marvel, and Black Cat is my definite favorite. And I'm not going to lie; Shego has a GRRRREEEAT ASS! So I just wanted to know since I was probably going to meet my boner dream, I just wanted to make sure I had a chance at getting some head…maybe even some full blown sex and ass grabbing," Spider-Man explained much to Kim's disgust and Ron's interest.

"You… bug off!" Kim tried to hide her curse since she was the star of a G-rated cartoon.

"Aha! I almost made you say 'fuck off' didn't I?" Spider-Man rubbed in.

"Go away!" Spider-Man walked back to his seat laughing.

**2 Hours Later**

Right now, instead of being in fear for their lives, Kim and Ron were being driven insane by Spider-Man and Deadpool's conversation. They were talking about, of all things, Power Rangers.

"No way, ass sucker; Magna Defender was the greatest Ranger of all time!" Deadpool claimed.

"First off, Magna wasn't an official Ranger. Second, he appeared for like, less than 10 episodes and was replaced by a less badass character that barely used his powers. And third, all he had was a shotgun, a cape, and a bull zord. Now Gold Ranger on the other hand had an awesome staff, the best costume out of all the Rangers in any series, moved like the Flash, and was a former leader," Spider-Man argued.

"Well, first off, Jason didn't become the Gold Ranger until the last half of the season and second…" Deadpool began to cringe a little. "I think that Mountain Dew is trying to come out."

"Me too," Spider-Man cringed. "Hey, Kim, where's the bathroom?"

"There's no bathroom on this plane. That's why we go before we leave," Kim explained.

"What?" Spider-Man exclaimed. "Then when the fuck do we get to New Zealand?"

"In another hour or two," Kim answered.

"What? I can't hold it in for that long!" Deadpool crossed his legs in an attempt to hold it in.

"Oh well," Kim shrugged her shoulders.

"All right, let's just try not to think about it," Spider-Man recommended, in the same position as his best friend.

"Okay, let's continue with our conversation," Deadpool compromised. "Hey, which Pink Ranger was better; Mighty Morphin or Zeo?"

"No, dude; boners make me have to go even more!" Spider-Man complained.

"Oh, right," Deadpool knew the feeling.

"Any other ideas?" asked Spider-Man.

Deadpool tapped his chin for a few seconds before snapping his fingers. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nintendo DS with a miniature microphone attached. .

"We can play portable 'American Idol'," Deadpool suggested, much to Kim's fright.

"Okay," said Spider-Man.

"NO!" Kim screamed in fear and jumped out of her seat to take the DS from Deadpool's hand but the former mercenary aimed his pistol at her, stopping her in her tracks.

"You know? I think I'd prefer it if you'd shoot me rather than listen to you sing," Kim admitted.

Deadpool smiled and put his gun away. "Well you better get ready because this is the pop version. Now sit down or else you can listen to whatever song I play with a bullet in your knee."

Kim decided to listen to her demented cousin and walked back to her seat, preparing for the worst.

**1 Hour and 30 Minutes Later**

Kim and Ron were going mad after listening to Deadpool sing everything from a dozen Britney Spears songs, 5 Lady Gaga songs, and even Bangles and the Go-Go's. Kim suggested that Spider-Man sing a bit, but he thought that watching Kim and Ron's teeth chattering was too much fun. When Ron suggested that Kim sing, Spider-Man told them both to go fuck themselves.

"IIIIIIII, I'M STORNGER!" Deadpool finished the song.

Suddenly, as if an angel of mercy had come to save them, the pilot came out of the cockpit.

"We're almost above the lair. Get ready to drop," the Pilot announced.

"Thank you!" Kim cried out before she and Ron went to get their parachutes. Once they had them on, they walked over to the, now opened, rear entrance and jumped out. Before Spider-Man and Deadpool could follow suit, they noticed something about the pilot.

"Hey, weren't you one of the soldiers photographed torturing those Iraqi prisoners?" Deadpool asked the nervous pilot.

"Yeah, I watched 'Taxi Cab to the Dark Side' a dozen times and your face looks awfully familiar," Spider-Man pointed out.

The Pilot sighed. "Look, I will pay you both $100 if you keep your mouths shut about this. I need this job."

"Make it $200," demanded Deadpool.

The Pilot just growled and paid the two clerks who put the money in their pockets. They then walked over to the rear entrance and prepared to jump.

"Just like old times, little buddy!" Deadpool commented before he jumped out.

"Shoot to thrill!" Spider-Man shouted before following suit.

Kim and Ron landed on the glass dome of Dr. Drakken's 'secret lair'. Though you could hardly call it secret, considering that everyone knew it was in New Zealand.

"Okay, we need to remain quiet," Kim informed Ron.

Ron nodded in agreement before realizing something. "Wait a minute. Where's Deadpool and Spider-Man?"

"BONZAI!" they were answered by Spider-Man and Deadpool flying down, feet first, and crashing through the glass, effectively ruining Kim's plan for a stealthy entrance. But considering what they've done in the past two days, things were only going to get worst. While Kim and Ron were still on the roof, Spider-Man and Deadpool, forgetting that they were on a save-the-world mission, ran towards the bathroom; they both got stuck in the door, struggling over who'd go first.

"No way, Spider-Man, I'm going first!" Deadpool tried to elbow Spider-Man out of the door.

"No way, bunghole, I'm going first!" Spider-Man turned around and began kicking Deadpool in the chest.

"You do and I'll kick your ass!" Spider-Man finally kicked Spider-Man away, closed the door, locked it, and then got business done.

Deadpool banged on the door, trying to draw Spider-Man out. "Get out of there, Spider-Man! I'm going to kick your ass!"

Deadpool then put his head against the door and heard Spider-Man release a long sigh of relief.

"Oh, no you don't, butt fucker!" Deadpool rammed his shoulder into the door, leaving a dent but still no bathroom. He then went over to the other side of the room, picked up a potted plant, and then threw it at the door but only the pot was destroyed and spilled dirt all over the floor.

This caught the attention of a bunch of Drakken's red suited henchmen, who all came behind Deadpool; who was now crossing his legs and holding his crotch in a futile attempt to hold it in.

Noticing the men behind him, Deadpool turned to them and said, "Can you believe this guy? Motherfucker hogs the fucking bathroom!"

All the henchmen stare at Deadpool before one finally spoke up.

"Who are you?" before Deadpool could answer that question, Spider-Man walked out of the bathroom, relief ever evident on his masked face.

"All yours buddy," Spider-Man announced.

"I'll tell you in a minute," Deadpool said before running inside the bathroom and shutting the door.

While Deadpool was away, all the henchmen now stared at Spider-Man who was more familiar to them. Before they could ask anything, Deadpool came out of the bathroom, zipping up his fly.

"That's better. Now, to answer your question; we're the two guys who are going to kick your asses, save the world without it knowing, and cause thousands of dollars in medical, and property, damages," Deadpool explained matter-of-factly and above them, Kim's jaw dropped.

"What?" asked one henchman, him and the entire group in fear for their lives.

"You heard me. Spider-Man, shall we begin?" Deadpool asked his best friend.

"You got those butterfly knives?" Spider-Man asked for a weapon. Deadpool replied by handing his best friend a pair of unfolded butterfly knives then took out one sword and a sub-machine gun.

"All right, you cunts…" Spider-Man unfolded the butterfly knives and got into a battle posed along with Deadpool; both ready for a bloodbath. "Lets see what you can do now."

**A/N: Will Spider-Man and Deadpool spill the blood of Drakken's henchmen, and save the world?**

**Deadpool Note: We better; I haven't killed anything in a long time. And when I don't kill, I become sane and no one likes a sane Deadpool.**

**A/N: And will Spider-Man's fantasy come true?  
**

**Spider-Man Note: I better, God damn it! I haven't had sex in a long ass time!**

**Deadpool Note: What about Kitana?**

**Spider-Man Note: 11 out of 10!**

**A/N: Well this author's note went nowhere; stay tuned for more.**


End file.
